Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Gospel Study - By Faith All Things Are Fullfilled

Today I read Elder Marcus B. Nash's talk, By Faith All Things Are Fulfilled.

There are days I know that my faith is weak.  Today is one of those days.  There are certain things that I pray for... that I dream of... that I want desperately to come to pass...

I want to be thinner and to have better health.  I have tried cutting wheat, milk and soy... I have tried exercise (but have stopped because I feel so discouraged due to lack of change).  I've started measuring and counting every morsel that goes into my mouth.  I visit an acupuncturist   I even sucked it up and ground the courage to call the doctor to fix this darn hernia.  Trust me.  That took courage.  I do not have faith in doctors.  Even more, I fear that they will insist that I got on drugs for the rest of my life.  I fear that I will be told that I will be just like all those that came before me and that I have a failing heart, blood vessels, cholesterol, and diabetes.  Truth is, I'd rather not know and just move on without the hassle and pain that comes with synthetic drugs and modern medicine.  I'd prefer to use natural means, herbs, diet and exercise to reach my goals.  Sadly, my efforts have made no difference in the past 9 years.  I am still fat.  My knees and ankles still hurt.  I still get headaches.  and the lumps and bumps in my tummy are getting larger.

In many ways I am tired of praying for a healthy change.

I want my son to return to the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I try to teach him.  I' try to allow him to have choice.  I invite him to church activities.  I invite him to family scripture, prayer and FHE.  I really don't see much of a difference   He is easier to be around, but his resolve that God is not real is as strong as ever.

In many ways, I am tired of praying for that mighty change of heart.

I want my relationships with others to be stronger.  I am trying to forgive.  I am trying to let go.  I am trying to find reasons to make a difference.  Yet I am still indifferent   I have come to a point where i am content to live with or live without and it won't make a difference.

I am tired of praying for that change.

While reading this talk I came to realize that "I am tired of...." really means that my faith is weak.  I have to the point when I don't have faith that these things will change.

I can say that i have faith in Christ.  I know that in Him the impossible is made possible.

What I don't have faith in is me.  I don't have faith in my ability to know what to pray for.  I don't have faith that I have the kind of faith that brings miracles.  I don't have faith in my abilities to seek and see what god's will is because I am clearly not praying for or seeking for God's will   I do have faith that if I were, I would see change.

sigh.

I hate it when I read scripture and come away more discouraged that up lifted.

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