Today I read President Henry B. Eyring's talk, Where Is the Pavilion?
I have felt this feeling of abandonment... wondering where is God and where are the answers to my prayers and the desires of my heart. Although I feel the darkness closing in, I know that "God is never hidden..."
I learned something from this thought:
"... sometimes we are, covered by a pavilion of motivations that draw us away from God and make Him seem distant and inaccessible, Our own desires, rather than a feeling of'Thy will be done.' create the feeling of a pavilion blocking God."
It figures. It is my own fault. I know that I often get it into my head that I know better. silly.
My biggest problem is that I fall into the trap of insisting on my own time table!
Take all the things I pray for: better health... smaller body... my son's heart softened... my darkest thoughts gone and a complete feeling of security and trust. But they don't seem to come. I want them NOW. But it is not time... I guess. I did have to fast and pray every Sunday for over 2 years for Lillian to bless our family.
Somethings I want so badly that I forget God works on His time. I get caught up in thinking that I am not good at prayer, that I am praying for the wrong thing, and sometimes I don't pray at all.... because the answer it taking so long.
"The Lord's delays often seem long; some last a lifetime. But they are always calculated to bless."
I might not ever get to be thin, or healthy, or be able to get out of a car or bed without pain. I may never see my son return to the gospel of Jesus Christ. I may never feel safe in my relationships. At least in this life.
I just have to accept that and embrace that.
I can do that.